Fact is Stranger Than Fiction
by A Faggot
Summary: ...And Homura is all the happier for it.


_"I used to think C. Falcon was some kind of funny super hero character in his game that said "falcon" multiple times in a sentence like_

 _-Hey Captain what are you doing?_  
 _-Im Falcon eating my Falcon lunch cuz im Falcon hungry"_

 _-Juan F.P.V._

* * *

"Akemi Homura."

The dark haired Puella Magi turns around in response to the cheerful, boyish voice calling her name. She comes face to face with a white, cat-like creature with big, flappy ears and a tail bushy enough to rival a squirrel's.

"You," intones Homura with no small amount of hostility. "What do you want, Incubator?"

"Akemi Homura, vigilant and steadfast as always," begins Kyubey with an ever-present smile on his face. "You are our greatest obstacle to contracting Kaname Madoka, constantly destroying our body whenever we offer a contract and persistently eliminating threats which might encourage her to become a Magical Girl."

Homura's eyes narrow. It's an unspoken rule between her and Kyubey to never bring up their struggle for Madoka. The fact that the alien is doing so now triggers warning bells in her head. Her right hand sneaks covertly into her pocket dimension to grab a gun.

"But you will be an obstacle no longer, thanks to my newly upgraded powers." Declares Kyubey triumphantly.

"Upgraded powers? Explain yourself. What upgraded powers? And how?"

"Incubators are but constructs created by The Race, our masters, to harvest spiritual energy to combat Entropy. Naturally, our masters are able to alter, add or remove our abilities. And my newfound ability is to show Magical Girls the true form of their wishes."

"What?"

"Surely you realize that there is a disconnect between what a girl really wants when she makes her wish and what she receives, usually as a result of their inability to phrase their wish correctly. It is the realization of this difference which most often pushes Magical Girls into despair. However, that process of realization may take months, even years. With my new skill, that process will be drastically shortened. You, Akemi Homura, will be the first to fall to my new power, and Kaname Madoka will be ours! Mwahahahaha!"

"No!" Cries Homura as she whips out a Glock 17.

"Too late! See the disparity between your ideal wish and reality! Succumb to despair! INCUBATOR BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!"

* * *

 _"...Now tell me, what is the wish that will make your Soul Gem shine?"_

 _"I..." Homura pauses, trying to find the words to express the anguish coursing through her soul. She glances down at the lifeless form of Madoka, and removes her glasses to wipe away the tears in her eyes in an attempt to calm down and think. The braided girl rises and tilts her head up to meet the constant stare of the cat-like being perched on a jagged column of broken stone. "I want to redo my first encounter with Miss Kaname. But this time, instead of her protecting me, I want to become strong enough to protect her!"_

 _Suddenly, a sharp pain pierces through Homura's chest. A bright indigo glow fills the air as the shy girl's soul is given physical form._

 _"The contract has been made. Your wish has prevailed over entropy. Now, release your new power!"_

 _There is a flash of purple, and the world fades away._

* * *

When Homura next opens her eyes, she finds herself back in an all-too-familiar bed in an all-too-familiar hospital room.

 _'Was that all a dream?'_ wonders the heart disease-ridden girl. But one look at the orb grasped in her hands banishes those doubts. It wasn't a dream! Her wish has been granted! Now, to fulfill her dreams!

"Homu-change!" yells Homura as she thrusts her Soul Gem towards the ceiling. In a flash of violet light, Homura's hospital gown is replaced with a white and grey uniform.

"Not bad," muses the new Magi as she looks over her outfit. "But a heroine needs something to protect her identity. I know just the thing..."

 ***HOMU-SCENE TRANSITION!***

"...Now then, I'd like to introduce a new transfer student who will be joining us," announces Saotome Kazuko, the homeroom teacher of Madoka's class. "Please come on, Miss Akemi."

A torrent of hushed whispers and surprised gasps rises from the students. A new transfer student? At this time of year? Localized entirely in their classroom? However, their curiosity is quickly stifled...

...as no one walks through the classroom door.

"...Miss Akemi?"

Nothing.

"Goddamnit," growls Saotome under her breath. "I hate my job so fu—"

"Homu-interjection!"

The teacher's story rating-breaking words are interrupted by some maniac diving through one of the glass panes comprising the room's walls. The intruder executes a perfect cat breakfall and rolls to the front of the classroom, where she smoothly springs to her feet. The newcomer has long, black hair and wears the standard Mitakihara Middle School uniform, but a pair of white panties covers her face and a cape that looks suspiciously similar to Madoka's bedsheets is tied around her shoulders.

Without wasting a single second, the newcomer marches over to Madoka's desk and grabs her right hand.

"Kaname Madoka. I, Captain Homu, do Homu-swear to Homu-protect you from all evil, Witches, evil witches, and super bad alien space cats from outer space who might wish to evilly steal your soul to prevent the destruction of the universe."

Homur—er, Captain Homu—drops Madoka's hand and stares solemnly at the skies. "But for now, I must leave you. The world needs me. HOMU-LEAP!"

With that, Captain Homu jumps straight up, crashing through the ceiling and obliterating the second-year class above them before disappearing into the vast expanse beyond.

Silence reigns in the remnants of the first-year classroom.

"I'm never washing this hand ever again," swoons Madoka as an incendiary blush consumes her face.

* * *

With a horrible shriek, the Dessert Witch dies and its labyrinth fades into nothing. Tomoe Mami, dazed but unhurt, falls to her knees as her dark haired savior approaches her.

"Who are you?" the golden Magi asks.

"I am the Homu-hope of the universe!" answers the panty-wearing girl. "I am the Homu-answer to all living things that Homu-cry out for peace. I am Homu-protector of the innocent. I am the Homu-light in the darkness. I am Homu-truth. Homu-ally to good! Captain Homu!"

"Wow!" gushes Mami. "You're so cool, Captain Homu, and beautiful, and smart, and beautiful, and brave, and beautiful, and mature, and beautiful, and a true warrior of love and justice! Have I mentioned you're really beautiful and far prettier than me?"

"Haha, why Homu-thank you! Continue to follow me around and tell the Homu-truth about how I'm so much prettier and more suited to be Madoka's one and only friend!"

* * *

"Captain Homu!" yells Miki Sayaka in admiration. "I want to become a Magical Girl so I can fight for love and justice like you! Please allow me to follow you around and learn from your unmatched awesomeness."

"No!" shouts Sakura Kyouko as she pushes the bluenette aside. "I'm already a Magical Girl so I should be the one learning by Captain Homu's side!"

"Oh yeah? I'm a stupid, stubborn blockhead with naively idealistic views of the world who should listen to listen to what Captain Homu says instead of throwing my life away pointlessly!"

"Well, I'm a short-sighted, brawns-for-brains idiot who should stop stirring up trouble with you and listen to what Captain Homu tells me!"

"Grr..."

"Rrr..."

"..." The two idiots' back-and-forth is much too rapid for Captain Homu to get a word in edgewise. But she would've turned both of them down if she could. After all, she's a super angsty badass hero who goes solo yolo and who doesn't need anyone else (but Madoka).

By this point, the sexual tension is thick enough to cut with a knife, and it looks like the two of them are about to start making out any second, so Captain Homu quickly makes her stealthy Homu-retreat.

* * *

Wind and rain lashes against Captain Homu's face (the exposed parts, anyways) as the dark, hulking figure of Walpurgisnacht approaches Mitakihara. But Captain Homu is calm because she has been training to defeat this ultimate evil Witch of evil.

Demented laughter fills the air and the magical girl peanut gallery (Madoka, Mami, Sayaka and Kyouko) cry out in concern as truck-sized rubble start slamming into the ground around Captain Homu.

But Captain Homu jumps into the air and unleashes her secret technique:

"HOMU-PAWNCH!"

With a big _BAM_ Walpurgisnacht is obliterated. Shockwaves of energy ripple through the city, blowing away the storm preceding the Queen of Witches.

"You did it!"

"Way to go Captain Homu!"

"My hero!" yells Madoka (whose right hand has developed fungal infections due to her not washing her hand for a month) as she envelopes the black haired hero in a big hug.

"Congratulations, Akemi Homura," congratulates Kyubey. "For defeating the Ultimate Witch, we here at Super Bad Alien Space Cats from Outer Space™ would like to give you the grand prize of one billion dollars and infinite girlfriends."

"Can they all be Madoka?"

"Yes."

 _"Ah, I'm so happy..."_

 _*fade to white*_

* * *

Kyubey stares expectantly at Homura's trembling form. Tears streak down her face and her Soul Gem will surely become a Grief Seed any second now.

"Kyubey," croaks Homura in a voice heavy with tears.

The Incubator shifts in anticipation. This should be it! With Akemi Homura out of the way, nothing will stop Kaname Madoka from becoming a Magical Girl!

But what Homura does next surpasses his expectations.

She clasps his front paws with her hands.

"Thank you for misunderstanding my wish!" sobs the dark haired Magi as she weeps grateful tears. "Thank you for not giving me what I really wanted! Please continue to misunderstand me in the future!"

Homura stands up and there's like a 5 second close up as her hair whips about her like a fan and the moonlight catches the tear droplets that fall from her face and there's totally sparkles and glitter all over the place. Then she jumps off the building because she still hates Kyubey's guts and she'd rather stalk Madoka then get high on the Incubator's eye beams.

"Akemi Homura, you..."

Kyubey talks several deep breathes to calm the wild beating of his tiny heart.

 _"WILL DEFINITELY BECOME MY WAIFU!"_

* * *

 **Thank you Juan. Thank you DigitalPh33r.**


End file.
